Couples Therapy

During recent years, I have mostly seen couples who were seeking growth — i.e., deeper understanding of one another and their relationship — rather than ones who were experiencing such frequent, intense conflict that the principal goal of therapy was, of necessity, conflict de-escalation. Many of my couples do, of course, have arguments, including during our therapy sessions. But their conflicts are generally moderate and contained, rather than destructive and unbridled.

Conflict and disappointment are inherent in long-term relationships. Every person is unique and complex. We vary on personality dimensions (e.g., introverted – extroverted), emotional styles (e.g., expressive versus avoidant), and as my wife of 25+ years and I can attest, habits of lifestyle (e.g., morning person vs night person). Each of us also has his or her own dreams for the various domains of our lives – work, family, leisure. No two people could ever be in sync across the innumerable dimensions of life.

As one well-known couples researcher (John Gottman, PhD) has observed, “when you select a partner, you are choosing a set of unresolvable problems.” No matter who your partner is, the two of you will have differences on issues that are important to you.

More than half of all married and cohabiting couples terminate their relationships due to unresolvable differences. Among the couples who stay together, some have cold, distant relationships while others experience ongoing, painful conflicts. Although the skills necessary for success are achievable for many couples, only a few learn to enjoy truly loving relationships despite their differences. Research shows that these couples actually use their differences as an opportunity to build acceptance, intimacy, and deeper love. Through couples therapy, you and your partner can learn the skills to create such a relationship.

My book is about infidelity, but I, of course, work with many couples for whom that is not an issue.

If you have questions about couples therapy or if you would like to make an appointment, please call me or click ‘Contact Me’ above to email me.